To everyone getting your nerve up to come out to dinner:

Do you remember how to act when you’re going out to eat? I didn’t either. And I work in a restaurant! Let’s dish a little about going out to eat in the not-so-new-anymore-normal. If you don’t have time to read this, “be kind and polite to the staff” is what I would like everyone to take away. Kindness and politeness have been left at home lately by a lot of patrons, they’d be most welcome by restaurant workers across the country.

As people emerge from their home kitchens, and begin going out to eat, I’m finding folks have, to put it charitably, forgotten the basics. Tough love: some of you have gone entirely feral and need to stick to Chipotle for a while until you’ve been re-socialized. For anyone who’s ready to approach eating at a full service or -gasp- fancy restaurant, this is not rocket science but you do need a thimbleful of self- awareness. Let’s review.

 MEET THE HOST (also known as me.)

 If you’re at a less-casual place, there’s someone at the front, called a host.  Their job is to control the flow of people. Whether or not you have reservations, you should stop, look the host in the eye, and say hello.

 The key term there being STOP. This does not mean some of you stop while one of you walks ahead to “check the place out.” If you want to look around, ask if that’s ok before you go all Vasco De Gama on the dining room.  If the host stand is vacant, they are probably seating someone. If there’s a sign with instructions, such as “please wait to be seated,” you’re made in the shade: just do what the sign says, and the host will be incredibly appreciative. Trust me.  

 PLEASE BE SEATED.

When someone does seat you, remember this is not Fairy Tale land and you are not Goldilocks. You do not need to check out every table in every corner of the restaurant. When you’re going out to eat as a party of two and are offered a table for two, don’t ask for a table for four on the other side of the room. The host wants to be polite to you. When you ask for an inappropriate table you force a choice on them: they now have to weigh whether it’s better to give in, deal with the inconvenience of losing a table they may need for a larger party or hold to their process, risking angering a customer. Why insert conflict into your nice night out right away? Please be seated.

In my personal experience, in a restaurant full of lovely, clean tables, the people I’m seating always want the one dirty table that’s just been vacated by a family with 5 year old twins. The guests stand next to me, insisting THAT is the table they want and hover as I make myself crazy traying to clear the table (not my wheelhouse) and attempt not to spill cold macaroni and cheese on their shoes. These people have now completely frazzled me, not to mention the flow of the restaurant and the role of everyone in it.

LET ME GO BACK TO MY STAND

As the host, my place is at the front, which, if I’m playing tour guide, is now abandoned. And then here’s how the dominos fall: people start wandering past the “Please Wait to Be Seated” sign wreaking havoc in the dining room while I attempt to wave down a runner to clean the one dirty table for the guests. The runner knows the drill- they see the 17 clean tables and if they are upset that I’ve pulled them away from other prep work they don’t show it. They know exactly what’s happening. The servers (and on one memorable occasion the chef) end up wrangling and seating people, missing those who’ve chosen their own tables ignoring “reserved” signs. When all is said and done no one is happy. The folks who insisted on the dirty table end up annoyed with the wait, everyone that’s seated themselves doesn’t understand why they haven’t been greeted, the servers are flummoxed because so many parties got seated at the same time, and everyone’s meal gets delayed. If I get to do my job, seating people at appropriate tables then things run smoother for all involved.

IS THE BEST TABLE AT YOUR HOUSE?

Be aware as of 6/15/21 there are no longer capacity restrictions on restaurants in California despite the Delta variant. “Understanding your risk tolerance” is more than just a string of words scientists say on cable news. If you’re planning to eat out but calling ahead to request a table away from other people to quiet your Covid-19 concerns, I have a better suggestion: stay home. The person on the phone might not write down your request, and even if they do, by its nature a request may be denied.

Restaurants are no longer under any obligation to distance tables. Technically masks are required indoors when you are not eating or drinking, but this goes largely unenforced. You can choose a table that seems isolated but you have no recourse once you’ve ordered the surf-n-turf and you start getting edgy. The restaurant could get packed to the gills that night, and your table may end up  bracketed by families in town for an anti-vaxx rally and be serenaded by a maskless mariachi band. If you’re not ready to go with the flow, order in. You’ll be happier and so will everyone at the restaurant.

 There’s much more and I’m sure I’ll be adding to this. If you remember nothing else: for the love of genuine truffle oil and all else that is holy, be polite and kind to the staff. Heck, be polite and kind to everyone. Seriously, there’s no downside!  

 Thanks for reading to the end.

 Dinah

Your favorite hostess.